Are you disappointed?

Are you disappointed?

I have to tell you, me too...

I know that my dealing same like a fool, but I just can't  escape my feeling...

I know I must not willing to this work, especially the children of my, I'm their teacher, I take my sincere to face and to teach them.

I also not willing to my work partner, I still remember the time that I chat with them, we laugh together, we say tale other people together, and feeling angry together when feeling something is not fair.

All of this cause make me look like a fool, why I like this work then I give up to this work?

I don't know... I don't know how to explain why I want to give up to this work.

This look like this is the thing I want, but it's also look like not the thing I want.

I don't like this life, this is too many rule in this work,the uniform must be white cloth and black pants, the hair must truss up, the activities must join with them together, although I unwilling, they also will invite you with passionate, this let me can't breathless.

I not the people that too active too extroverted, I like the thing that not too many rule, I like freedom life.

Yes! I like the work partner in this work, this work is more safety, I love my children, even I don't want to leave them always.

But I not a old woman, I don't want the life too many rule, it let me look like a lifeless guy! I don't want the life that not freedom, this make me want to crazy!

I don't want the life that too safety!

Ok! This thinking let my family so disappointed to me because of this work that I have to give up is choose buy them, they hope I will become a teacher!

Hey, dad mum, don't angry to me, this let me so sad.

I also so disappointed to me when I don't follow your instruction, I'm so disappointed because of I can't do the good girl of your daughter always.

But I can't follow your instruction, I have to say sorry to you all, because I can't cheat myself.

Dad mum, you too protect me, let me try my best without your help.

I will always remember where is the home of mine, I will remember the direction that how to go back home.

When I received a frustration or tired then I will go back home.

Although I can't cry in front of you all but I will take a rest in my house.

Dad, I still remember what you say, you say I must try my best to do the thing I want with daring, you will no compel me to do anything.

I hope this is the truth in your heart, you will no compel me to do the thing I don't want.

Let me try my best, please...

I know you all is feeling despair to me already, if you despair nevermind, I will no compel you feeling hope to me.

Don't looked at me when you are despair.

When I success, then I will let you lift your head to look at me.

And I will say:"Trust me!"

Crumble...

"I will go to die!" I write this is in my diary again and again in a page.

I write this in my diary again and again, this is because now I'm crumble!!!

Why I must choose the things that I don't like, don't interest to do? This make me crazy, I'm not willing how can I do with willingly? And how can I do it!?

I must speak out with louder"I unwilling!" or maybe "I quit!".

But I haven't do it...

I just want to discuss with you all "Maybe I have to give up this work in this December...", but what the answer I will get?

"You think properly yourself!"

"I so disappointed to you!"

"Don't! You can't!"

"No! I don't support!"

"You must regret!"

Maybe this is the answer I will get.......

How can I get your support?

I know I can do it without your support, but I haven't do like this because of I know I can't.

My ability of financial can't support me to do it like this, and I care about you all, so I have though that to give up my dream and change to the thing that you all support.

But I can't! I can't cheat myself to do the thing I don't want to do!

But when I try to change why you all always say I can't appreciate you all? Why I always is the rebel girl that in your eyes?

You always say I'm a selfishness guy and don't know to thanksgiving, and I always be the bad guys in your mind.

How can you haven't seen my changing? How can you haven't see my strive?

Am I going to do the thing without your mind? How can you always say the thing that I haven't think and haven't do!

I want to do the good girl in your eye, have I try to do? Yes. Have you see I do? No!

Don't tell me you make the choice is always the good to me!You just do the good choice for me but not to me!

I know you all want to give me the best of the thing in this world, and feel that this must the best to me, but no!

This is not the best to me! I know what is the best to me! I know what is the thing I want and also know what is the thing I don't want!

Now you make me crumble, I just want to end my life!

I have no hope! I have no tomorrow!

I'm the badness one, selfishness one, rebel one in this world...

Maybe disappear is the better choice to me......

Please help me!

要我放弃梦想，说真的很不甘心。

让我自己的想法表达出来吧，如果工作不是自己喜欢的那怎么坚持下去？

我急得都快哭出来了，我的梦想从开始的清晰，开始变得模糊，而后抓起又被人扯的模糊不清。。。

我不是什么神人，我的思考能力不好、判断能力不强、决定事情起来我很犹豫不决，我要建议时我都大概会知道人们会给我怎么样的建议，可是自己依旧不知道该怎么决定。

我很讨厌人家批评我的梦想，因为毕竟那是我的梦，梦是十全十美没有任何瑕疵的，我更不想别人去糟蹋我的梦，批评我的梦！

固然梦很虚幻不真实，但我认为这个梦是真真切切的存在的。

让我放弃，我会很不安，感觉我就要没了最真实的依靠。

可我又怕，怕自己决定了踏出朝向梦的那一步下去，我会导致很多不堪的后果。

所以我要转，我决定放弃我的梦，我想朝现实迈进……

可是当我准备迈出那一步，我的心里有一把声音告诉我：不准你迈出去！

而后我会停顿住，停在原地，我很不甘心！真的好不甘心啊！那是我的梦！我凭什么要放弃它！我凭什么！现实是什么？凭什么要因为它就放弃了！

正当我准备提起我的梦时，我胆怯了、疑惑了、不确定了……

这真的是我想要的吗？是我必须该做到的吗？我可以办到吗？我能够坚持吗？我能够有耐性的去反驳那些看扁我的人吗？

这一点一滴的不确定是我害怕了，也是我看不清了……

我的梦已经提了又放，放了又提不知道有几遍了，一遍又一遍的……

我看到我的梦和现实正在决斗着，而大家都不互相礼让。

而它们正互相扯着，我看到梦想绝不放弃的决心，而我也看到现实超级能力，它轻而易举的就躲过了梦想的攻击并狠狠的向梦想的要处出击，每一击都击得梦想快喊着投降。

现在，我几乎快看到现实胜利的笑容和梦想被扯得血肉模糊不清、面目全非的面容……

我看不到原本的梦想是长什么模样的，我看不清。

就算我真的很想提起它我也不敢了，因为它已经面目全非，我不知道它的原本是长什么模样的？

我真的快哭了，有谁能够告诉我我到底最爱的是什么？我要的是什么？我想坚持的又是什么？我又是为了什么而坚持？

请告诉我！拜托！

我快喘不过气来，我看不清我眼前的路！我不知道自己是为了什么而活着！

我真想就这么结束，但是我又不能！

我总觉得我还有事情没做，我不甘心就这么气馁！我不想就这么放弃！

我该怎么办？怎么办？

老娘不干了！（此贴不文，请无视）

你知道吗？我最讨厌人家讲我什么东西？而你！你！触犯了我超过了我所能容忍的三次机会！

呸！偷听我说话！DL你！TMD和我说什么不是人所能听懂的话！什么毕竟梦想只是梦想需要用钱去达成？还说什么要面对现实挣口饭吃？

呸呸呸！你懂什么？你懂什么是梦吗？你懂为了达成梦想而产生的复杂心情吗？

多用心多用心，说话最厉害就是你！注意小细节，我知道你很有心~总行了吧！

我呸！你个王八鸡蛋糕！梦想是不需要用钱去完成的好不！钱如果是那么容易解决达成梦想的事那么我早去借了大耳窿来完成了！

这个世界上全部人都有了个梦想是亿万富翁了！因为钱可以达到，所以很多人都有了很多的梦想，而梦想也不再变得被我们所想达到而存在了！

再说！如果是为了挣口饭吃，鬼愿意在你这里做工啊？不就那么一丁点只可以买米喂小鸟的工钱，你认为我稀罕？？

你到底懂了什么？对于梦想，你有什么感觉？有什么想法！

对！你很有能力，就这一方面我就真的输了给你，但那又怎样？正所谓行行出状元，你在这行除了状元，难道我就不能在别行出状元了吗？

我自认能力不及你，我也不需要把我的能力和你的能力相较，因为个人有个人在一些方面的能力都不一样！

你可以说我！我忍！但你TMD说到我的dream就不行！绝对不行！你对我的梦想有什么了解了？你对我的梦想有比我深入吗？

呸！说到好像自己很伟大酱！你是圣人不成？？

让你踩着我的dream来说我，TMD半夜上厕所找屎是吧？

我告诉你！我做到这年尾，老娘不干了！

你再来诋毁我的梦想看！我给你在FB红！并且！老娘就直接不干了！管TMD什么责任感！老娘不要也罢！反正找到的老师应该也不会比我差！

呸！烂东西！老娘不稀罕！！

What the harvest I get in?

Somebody asking me what big harvest you get in your first job?

I don't know how to answer she, but I try to asking myself what the harvest I get in my job?

Actually, this work and I think is a big difference, it should be said is totally different.

The work that I imagine is more freely, and the work is involve with my interest.

It may involve drawing, music, cooking or baking, but it will not involve with education above all with kid or with Tze Chi.

Then, I'm a Tze Chi kindergarten teacher......

Who know? Who know it is a big joke?

The thing I want I haven't get, but the thing I don't want, deliberately I have no choice to choose it?

So how can I always think that I may get some harvest in this work?

Ok......

My mum said the harvest I get in this work is happy, I'm become more happy now because of this work, because of the kid.

But actually, I have unhappy in sometime.

Have no buddy will tell their family I'm not happy because of this work, is you instigate me to do this work, is your choice make me unhappy!

So, I endure, endure my tear don't let it drop, I try to cheat myself I'm happy, and I must happy!

Because happy is better than unhappy, we still need to live.

Actually I still have sometime

Well, get bcak to topic.

A big harvest I get in this job maybe same like my mum say that is happy.

Because of the kid in kindergarden, their smile, their innocent, more importent is their naivete.

Because they haven't get in this social world, they is a piece of white paper, so beautiful ao white without sordid.

They are angel of mine.

But if you say that the big harvest I get in is happy, I deny.

I really happy, but I also have the time of unhappy.

So I think the harvest I get maybe is.......money!

Is money let me persist in continue don't abandon to this work.

Haha~

So......Money money! Get in my pocket!!!

Come come come~My money~~~~

未成长的大小孩……

看到我关注某人的一片文章标题是“原来我一直都没有成长”。

我没很仔细的看他文章的内容，但是他的标题让我突然发现，似乎我也没怎么成长……

或许这也不能说没有长大吧？可以说……变老了？哈哈~让我自嘲下吧~

怎么会这么说呢？我没成长？明明就成长了这么多……

身高变高了、体格变壮了、毕业了、开始做工了等等这些不就诉说着我长大了么？

别、别说我成熟、其实我很幼稚……

因为我知道自己长大了要开始展开翅膀飞翔时，我胆怯了，我想继续呆在家人的庇护下不被风吹不被雨淋。

我幼稚得以为自己可以就这么躲一辈子，但我的心理却比任何人还明白，明白这是不可能的事。

没有任何一个人可以被家人永远呵护，没有任何一个人可以永远逃避。

以前，常常有人说我你好成熟！不管是样子亦或是性格、行为、思想等等，个个都像得十足，但是我自己并不这么认为。

那一些他们所认为的我都不这么认为，就比如样子，样子是父母给予的，我改变不了也不需要改变，因为我觉得没什么抱怨的。

虽然我长得成熟，但是我父母把该给我的都给了我了，眼睛鼻子嘴巴，他们一样都没少给我，所以我是幸福的，更何况我觉得我父母给与我的模样虽然没很漂亮，但是还能入眼啊~

再来，性格，这个性性格我想身为孩子的我们总会遗传到父母的，又或是在这长久的相处之下所被感染的，所以性格嘛……我也说不定该怎么去解释……

这行为嘛……和那性格的理由差不多吧，再加上看到朋友又或是某些人的行为所以我自我反省让自己不可犯那样的错，或许这也算是一点点的成长吧？

这思想嘛……哎~也差不多啦理由~

他们似乎也常说我坚强勇敢啦等等的赞许褒义词，我想这我也得解释。

其实我不勇敢也不坚强，遇见‘小强’第一个先喊叫逃跑的会是我，要说我坚强？你说没看过我掉过一滴眼泪，其实有时候我只是把眼泪忍下往肚子里吞去罢了。

许多夜晚我曾经害怕得无法入睡，许多夜晚我懦弱的掉下眼泪，我把脸塞进枕头里，让眼泪不让人看见，这都是因为我的脸皮薄，我害怕被人嘲笑，好怕被人看不起而有的行为。

正是因为害怕被人瞧不起，所以我假装坚强，我也假装勇敢，许多时候我明明害怕得不得了，我却装得很勇敢很坚强，不掉一滴眼泪，勇敢的向前冲第一。

但是有谁明白？其实我害怕得手脚都在颤抖着，心里偶尔会觉得委屈会想落泪，会想找个黑暗的人家看不见的角落躲起来不让人看见，自己安慰自己说：别哭了别哭了，没事的没事的。

有时候我甚至希望会有人来安慰我，给我一个避湾港，虽然我口头上总说不需要，但是我非常希望有一个我累了可以依靠的肩膀，一双温暖的手可以安慰我说：别哭了别哭了，有我在，没事的。

可我的心里却不知道在什么时候偷偷的建了一道墙，那道墙是普通人所无法跨越得过的，我想如果我真成长了，或许我会把墙毁了，让自己看见更广的世界，让更多人看得见我。

但显然的，我还没成长，因为我还是那一个井底之蛙，躲在自己的被窝里，不想和别人接触，不希望被人看见，也不希望被人了解的那一个没成长的大小孩……

Everything Change..........

Actually, after I finish school, I felt that my life have a big change……

You see, I have promise that after I finish school I must get the money and go to study the illustration in The One Academy, but now I change, change the college, it become Dasein.

I say that I must collect the money in 1 until 2 years, but now, I think that maybe in 3 years i still can't college enough money.

And I consider that I will not change my thinking although I working already, no matter how many years but I will insist my decision.

But just a few of month! Just a few of month! I start to have some thinking like maybe I can working forever without go to study, I have to give up my life, my everything.

And I start insomnia, every night I go off into wild flights of fancy, I crying and I go crazy, I asking myself, what I want? What I can do? But no answer! No any answer!

This make me crazy! It let me want to finish my life.......

I just a human, just a girl, I thought that i'm so strong ever, but now all of this certify i'm a coward, I just know that how to escape when I face the difficult.

Now, I also don't know what is the I want, but I know that the work of mine now, not the thing I want and the life of now, I also don't want.

I want to change! Change all of this, I want find what is the thing I want!

Actually this is so difficult, but I decided that I don't want to escape again, I have to colour my life let it become colourful and beautiful.

My life not just working or without work also work, I want to do the thing I want!

I have to find my dream and realize it, let it become truth let it become a part of the thing in my life!

Everything of past tense is change......

Everything of now I have to change!

Change it become the life I want, become my happiness!!!!!!!!!!

A lot of annoyance........

Now I have many annoyance.......

Have people say when the human grow up, the annoyance will increase, I believe this, because my annoyance haven't stop and be more and more.

But I heard people say that they lost their dream and confused what the life they want and how to walk when their grow up, I laugh them and scold them: How you can don't know what is your dream?! When you got the dream you must continue realize it! How you can give up?

Like a fool right? I haven't think for their feeling because I haven't feel this feeling......

If previously, when you asking me what is your dream? Can you continue to realize it? To the past of me, I will tell you My dream is be a illustrator! But now, I will tell you I don't make sure what dream is mine, what thing I want.......

Because of money, I can't go study now, I can't realize my dream now. I not so happy now, I did the foolish thing......

Yup! I did the foolish thing except mind, I try to commit suicide.......

What a foolish moving?

But maybe now I have to give up to my dream and lower one's head to reality.

Next step I have to do is accept the work of nursery of Tzu Chi, do the teacher of kid then get the credential of Grade 8.

My dream...... Maybe I have to say bye bye?

Haha...... In order to dream and I leave tears for the sake of what?

If have the chance, I will hold you again.

My dream, if you can wait, please stay and wait for me......

该怎决定这个决定……

'Be Brave'……

我昨天打算勇敢了，没想到却还是胆怯又成了胆小鬼，我又打算放弃了。应该不是打算，是真的要放弃了……

为什么你就是这样？好像在意又好像不在意，要又不要你知道很讨人厌的吗？

我原本打算我回来的时候如果看到你还是没有行动我就放弃了，哪里知道当天晚上你又来找我，聊天的内容很融洽，又带点暧昧我才想着是不是我可以尝试把握，哪里知道隔天你又变冷淡了……

我找你聊天想和你说说话，哪里知道却得不到你的回应。

说出去的话我收不回，我尝试把握了，你就不能拒绝得干脆点？又或者表示得明显点？我毕竟也是女的好不好？

对！我曾经拒绝过你，不过我不是说了吗？那是我很怕受伤并且我还在读书我是真的不想碰这些东西，即使我真的喜欢你，而且还是在你还没告白还没喜欢我之前就喜欢你了，但是我还是不敢碰触！

现在我尝试了，却发现你已经对我没有感觉了，当我想放弃，你又问起了原因似乎还在乎，所以我又不放了，正当我又想努力，你又变的冷淡……

忽冷忽热是我的强项，不过我发现你比我的这个强项还强项，我是不是该问清楚你对我的感觉，完全表示出我对你的感觉？

可是我怕你嫌我烦……

真的很怕，虽然想知道你的答案，也在心底里清楚你的答案，但是我还是会怕，即使是我想放弃以后也不会在跟你有瓜葛，但是还是怕你对我的印象变差。

可是我真的很想亲耳听你说出答案，好让我可以把心一横放弃。

还是我直接放弃好了？直接无视……可是会很难受……我知道……

我又不能删了他，因为之前删了他，他又加回我了……

我要怎样删多一次？心痛了一次又一次、我忍了又忍、很累很痛……

你是个playboy是吧？那我就不该太认真，把你的话听进三分七分玩笑，那就好，或许我也该开始忽冷忽热了，不该太热，我也不适合太热吧……

所以……忘了吧……是吧？自己也不会太难受……

Be Brave!

Turn back from PLKN loh~~

No need to wake up early, and no need to take a colder bath, no need kawad, so relax hor~

But actually is tomorrow I still want to wake up early……

I just want to sleep lately, wake up lately……

Erm……Hi, I want to find you to talk leh, but what is the cause that I go to find he to chat?

Ok~ I can say Happy New Year with you and then start to talk with you, but I don't have the brave to do like that oh……

And I'm a girl ok? Although now is the new generation, but I still feel shy to be the first find you to talk.

Hei! You can't find me automatic meh? Although you find me automatic yesterday already lah! And now I must be the first to find you to chat……

Aiyah! So blur loh!

Ok! Now go to find you to chat!

Go! Go! Go!!!