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2015年7月23日星期四

未知数

很久没有写博客了!当然我应该也没什么follower会追随我的笔迹,所以应该也没人在乎我到底更不更新吧!

来!今天谈谈一些些我最近遇到的事情!

入了社会究竟会遇到什么事情呢?

一旦毕业,有些人会选择升学有些人则选择了就业;有些人被迫选择升学因为家人希望孩子可以受到更良好的教育让以后孩子的生活更够更好,而有些人则被迫选择就业原因有很多,一来成绩不够理想所以不被大学收录而有些则是被经济被迫必须承担家里的一切负担,所以即使多想上学都被迫出来社会担负家里的重担。

而我不属于前者属于后者,但是我的原因却不是因为这些,或许好像我这样的人也不少。

我选择出来社会工作,并不因为我家里严重得导致我必须承担家里的费用变成家里的支柱,我家里虽然经济出了些问题但我并没多以理会,因为这是我爸爸的责任虽然我是家里的一员,当然并不是说真的出现问题我并不会例会,问题严重我自然也会跳出来一起承担绝对不会没心没肺的把责任推给家人而无视这一个责任,毕竟这个家是大家一起造就的。

扯远了,总之就是家里没严重得需要我这个微不足道的工资来填补空洞。选择出来工作也不因为我对学习无兴趣不想升学,反之我超想上学!我渴望无忧无虑的学习生涯,它可让我避开对这个社会的无奈和黑暗!

我想升学,但是不是大学而是一些学费对我家而言稍微有点昂贵的学院,为了我的梦想我想要咬紧牙关出到社会去赚取我必须升学的学院学费。

出来社会一年半了,在这个社会在这个工作里我遇到很多看来无关紧要的烦恼难关。

对于我的梦想,我对它似乎有点模糊了,我已经有些忘记我的梦想是什么了,这或许是我的考验,而我是否在做反抗我也不是很明白,但是我正在学习钢琴,我以成为钢琴老师和上音乐学院升学为目标,但我不知道这是否是我要的,但最基本的事我有一个目标了,我必须好好向上而非再像之前一样成为一个颓废的人!

来谈谈,入社会会遇见什么事情吧!

入了社会的第一件事就是找工,找工其实并不难,这世界到处都有工作可做就看你要不要,而已经习惯选择最好事物的我们自然不会忽视工作对我们自己的待遇到底是怎么样的,当然也要看看自己究竟喜欢不。

可是,这个世界就是这样,不喜欢的东西它偏粘着你不放,但是喜欢的东西却怎么抓也抓不住。

当然我也一样,我喜欢的是什么我已经有点模糊了,或许是自由或许是工作量或许只是自己的懒惰?我不知道,因为我被这个社会磨得有点麻木了。

但是我可以很确定的是这份工并非我最满意最喜欢的,但是为什么呢?我怎么甩都甩不掉,似乎在我每次决定的时候就会发生些事情让我无法做出决定。

好吧!不谈这一些入社会还是什么的事情。

最近遇见了一个难题,我的妈妈怀孕了!而我即将成为一个小我20岁的弟弟或是妹妹,这究竟值不值得我庆祝呢?我是不是应该很高兴?可是为什么现在的我这么不安?提起这件事为什么我的喉咙涩涩的似乎下一秒眼泪就夺眶而出?是因为感动吗?

哦!不对!是不安!

不安!明明之前我曾经多么渴望我的妈妈再为这个家庭添加多一个成员,可是为什么现在的我提起这件事,更多的不是喜悦而是一阵阵的不安随之而来?这难道就不该庆祝吗?

我已经是三个弟弟的姐姐,再添加多一个有何差别?我还是姐姐啊!可是好像不能,我好像无法忍受自己成为一个下自己20虽然的孩子的姐姐,对于这个小生命,我不知道以后的我会以一个生么样的态度面对他,但是此时此刻的我似乎并不像他出现,我甚至有点想要我妈妈丢弃这个小生命。

但是我不能,我不能滥杀这一个小生命,一个还没看过世界的小生命,夺取他的性命我该有多残忍才能够做出这件事?更何况这件事并不是我能够决定的,即使我希望这么做我的妈妈也不会同意。

一个小小的生命,于心何忍?

可是转个念头这么想,如果让他出生却是让他出来这个社会受苦,是不是一开始就夺取他的生命让他不用受更多苦来得好?可是我们似乎却没这个权利,他有权利出来看看这个世界、他有权利面对这个世界的种种困难、他甚至有权利选择是否要接受这个世界的难题。

那我在不安什么?

我是一个幼儿园的老师,面对4、5、6岁的孩子我都能轻松面对,那为何还为面对这个孩子,我却那么的恐惧。

是的,恐惧,究竟在恐惧些什么我也不清楚,只知道自己并没以前的自己那样多期待这个孩子的到来。

是担心他夺去能够给我的爱吗?可是我也该成长了,而非永远沉溺在这一份爱里面。

可是不对啊,我家里的人似乎都没给我太多爱,或许该这么说他们所给我的爱就是不给于过多的爱,因为他们认为这样我就能更加勇敢更加独立去面对困难,更加坚强。

这么一个孩子的到来,到底会改变了什么?我不知道,我也不想去猜测。

未来的未知数太多了,应该怎么做就怎么做吧!

勇敢向前冲并不是好事,站在原地更做不了任何事,能够做的或许就是见步行事。

该辞职换工作、该怎么寻找梦想、该怎么面对未知数?

我想,未来会有答案吧……

2015年2月12日星期四

I am who I am!

I thought that I lost myself then that it not me, but I think that that is also me, although have some changing but who will no change forever? This is me, the already change of me.

Come, try to talking about who are you? Are you the cute one? Or maybe a confused one? Or the happy one?

Actually, I'm the emotional one, I can felling sad when I laugh when I take a joke with my friend, I can laugh until I tear but that is because I'm sad, I can stay at a place that have no any one then blame myself why are so trashy?

But, that's me although I have try to let myself become more optimistic, but I really can't, but I really really have some change because of the optimistic thinking, or maybe I become more badly emotional?

I don't know~ I can't see myself with more clearly, that have somebody told me I'm so emotional then I have be careful of this, that's real that I really so emotional.

I don't know have anybody try this? When listen to a song, maybe a lyric of the song that listen same with myself or  thinking then I want to cry.

But I don't don't like to show my crying face to anybody include my family, all of them looking to me is the optimistic people, this is the image that I want other people look it to me.

"Are you tired?"

Maybe somebody will asked me for this, I also will give you the answer is "Yes."

But how? So what? The life is just one, I don't like to give the other people look that I'm the poor people, I need somebody to comfort me.

No way! Leave me alone if you say you want to sponsor comfort! This will not let me become more better, this will just let me feel tiresome!

So that is me in your imagine, and that is the real of me.

That is the thing I want to say!

2014年12月1日星期一

Are you disappointed?

Are you disappointed?

I have to tell you, me too...

I know that my dealing same like a fool, but I just can't  escape my feeling...

I know I must not willing to this work, especially the children of my, I'm their teacher, I take my sincere to face and to teach them.

I also not willing to my work partner, I still remember the time that I chat with them, we laugh together, we say tale other people together, and feeling angry together when feeling something is not fair.

All of this cause make me look like a fool, why I like this work then I give up to this work?

I don't know... I don't know how to explain why I want to give up to this work.

This look like this is the thing I want, but it's also look like not the thing I want.

I don't like this life, this is too many rule in this work,the uniform must be white cloth and black pants, the hair must truss up, the activities must join with them together, although I unwilling, they also will invite you with passionate, this let me can't breathless.

I not the people that too active too extroverted, I like the thing that not too many rule, I like freedom life.

Yes! I like the work partner in this work, this work is more safety, I love my children, even I don't want to leave them always.

But I not a old woman, I don't want the life too many rule, it let me look like a lifeless guy! I don't want the life that not freedom, this make me want to crazy!

I don't want the life that too safety!

Ok! This thinking let my family so disappointed to me because of this work that I have to give up is choose buy them, they hope I will become a teacher!

Hey, dad mum, don't angry to me, this let me so sad.

I also so disappointed to me when I don't follow your instruction, I'm so disappointed because of I can't do the good girl of your daughter always.

But I can't follow your instruction, I have to say sorry to you all, because I can't cheat myself.

Dad mum, you too protect me, let me try my best without your help.

I will always remember where is the home of mine, I will remember the direction that how to go back home.

When I received a frustration or tired then I will go back home.

Although I can't cry in front of you all but I will take a rest in my house.

Dad, I still remember what you say, you say I must try my best to do the thing I want with daring, you will no compel me to do anything.

I hope this is the truth in your heart, you will no compel me to do the thing I don't want.

Let me try my best, please...

I know you all is feeling despair to me already, if you despair nevermind, I will no compel you feeling hope to me.

Don't looked at me when you are despair.

When I success, then I will let you lift your head to look at me.

And I will say:"Trust me!"

2014年11月22日星期六

Crumble...

"I will go to die!" I write this is in my diary again and again in a page.

I write this in my diary again and again, this is because now I'm crumble!!!

Why I must choose the things that I don't like, don't interest to do? This make me crazy, I'm not willing how can I do with willingly? And how can I do it!?

I must speak out with louder"I unwilling!" or maybe "I quit!".

But I haven't do it...

I just want to discuss with you all "Maybe I have to give up this work in this December...", but what the answer I will get?

"You think properly yourself!"

"I so disappointed to you!"

"Don't! You can't!"

"No! I don't support!"

"You must regret!"

Maybe this is the answer I will get.......

How can I get your support?

I know I can do it without your support, but I haven't do like this because of I know I can't.

My ability of financial can't support me to do it like this, and I care about you all, so I have though that to give up my dream and change to the thing that you all support.

But I can't! I can't cheat myself to do the thing I don't want to do!

But when I try to change why you all always say I can't appreciate you all? Why I always is the rebel girl that in your eyes?

You always say I'm a selfishness guy and don't know to thanksgiving, and I always be the bad guys in your mind.

How can you haven't seen my changing? How can you haven't see my strive?

Am I going to do the thing without your mind? How can you always say the thing that I haven't think and haven't do!

I want to do the good girl in your eye, have I try to do? Yes. Have you see I do? No!

Don't tell me you make the choice is always the good to me!You just do the good choice for me but not to me!

I know you all want to give me the best of the thing in this world, and feel that this must the best to me, but no!

This is not the best to me! I know what is the best to me! I know what is the thing I want and also know what is the thing I don't want!

Now you make me crumble, I just want to end my life!

I have no hope! I have no tomorrow!

I'm the badness one, selfishness one, rebel one in this world...

Maybe disappear is the better choice to me......

2014年9月26日星期五

Please help me!

要我放弃梦想,说真的很不甘心。

让我自己的想法表达出来吧,如果工作不是自己喜欢的那怎么坚持下去?

我急得都快哭出来了,我的梦想从开始的清晰,开始变得模糊,而后抓起又被人扯的模糊不清。。。

我不是什么神人,我的思考能力不好、判断能力不强、决定事情起来我很犹豫不决,我要建议时我都大概会知道人们会给我怎么样的建议,可是自己依旧不知道该怎么决定。

我很讨厌人家批评我的梦想,因为毕竟那是我的梦,梦是十全十美没有任何瑕疵的,我更不想别人去糟蹋我的梦,批评我的梦!

固然梦很虚幻不真实,但我认为这个梦是真真切切的存在的。

让我放弃,我会很不安,感觉我就要没了最真实的依靠。

可我又怕,怕自己决定了踏出朝向梦的那一步下去,我会导致很多不堪的后果。

所以我要转,我决定放弃我的梦,我想朝现实迈进……

可是当我准备迈出那一步,我的心里有一把声音告诉我:不准你迈出去!

而后我会停顿住,停在原地,我很不甘心!真的好不甘心啊!那是我的梦!我凭什么要放弃它!我凭什么!现实是什么?凭什么要因为它就放弃了!

正当我准备提起我的梦时,我胆怯了、疑惑了、不确定了……

这真的是我想要的吗?是我必须该做到的吗?我可以办到吗?我能够坚持吗?我能够有耐性的去反驳那些看扁我的人吗?

这一点一滴的不确定是我害怕了,也是我看不清了……

我的梦已经提了又放,放了又提不知道有几遍了,一遍又一遍的……

我看到我的梦和现实正在决斗着,而大家都不互相礼让。

而它们正互相扯着,我看到梦想绝不放弃的决心,而我也看到现实超级能力,它轻而易举的就躲过了梦想的攻击并狠狠的向梦想的要处出击,每一击都击得梦想快喊着投降。

现在,我几乎快看到现实胜利的笑容和梦想被扯得血肉模糊不清、面目全非的面容……

我看不到原本的梦想是长什么模样的,我看不清。

就算我真的很想提起它我也不敢了,因为它已经面目全非,我不知道它的原本是长什么模样的?

我真的快哭了,有谁能够告诉我我到底最爱的是什么?我要的是什么?我想坚持的又是什么?我又是为了什么而坚持?

请告诉我!拜托!

我快喘不过气来,我看不清我眼前的路!我不知道自己是为了什么而活着!

我真想就这么结束,但是我又不能!

我总觉得我还有事情没做,我不甘心就这么气馁!我不想就这么放弃!

我该怎么办?怎么办?

2014年9月22日星期一

老娘不干了!(此贴不文,请无视)

你知道吗?我最讨厌人家讲我什么东西?而你!你!触犯了我超过了我所能容忍的三次机会!

呸!偷听我说话!DL你!TMD和我说什么不是人所能听懂的话!什么毕竟梦想只是梦想需要用钱去达成?还说什么要面对现实挣口饭吃?

呸呸呸!你懂什么?你懂什么是梦吗?你懂为了达成梦想而产生的复杂心情吗?

多用心多用心,说话最厉害就是你!注意小细节,我知道你很有心~总行了吧!

我呸!你个王八鸡蛋糕!梦想是不需要用钱去完成的好不!钱如果是那么容易解决达成梦想的事那么我早去借了大耳窿来完成了!

这个世界上全部人都有了个梦想是亿万富翁了!因为钱可以达到,所以很多人都有了很多的梦想,而梦想也不再变得被我们所想达到而存在了!

再说!如果是为了挣口饭吃,鬼愿意在你这里做工啊?不就那么一丁点只可以买米喂小鸟的工钱,你认为我稀罕??

你到底懂了什么?对于梦想,你有什么感觉?有什么想法!

对!你很有能力,就这一方面我就真的输了给你,但那又怎样?正所谓行行出状元,你在这行除了状元,难道我就不能在别行出状元了吗?

我自认能力不及你,我也不需要把我的能力和你的能力相较,因为个人有个人在一些方面的能力都不一样!

你可以说我!我忍!但你TMD说到我的dream就不行!绝对不行!你对我的梦想有什么了解了?你对我的梦想有比我深入吗?

呸!说到好像自己很伟大酱!你是圣人不成??

让你踩着我的dream来说我,TMD半夜上厕所找屎是吧?

我告诉你!我做到这年尾,老娘不干了!

你再来诋毁我的梦想看!我给你在FB红!并且!老娘就直接不干了!管TMD什么责任感!老娘不要也罢!反正找到的老师应该也不会比我差!

呸!烂东西!老娘不稀罕!!

2014年8月1日星期五

What the harvest I get in?

Somebody asking me what big harvest you get in your first job?

I don't know how to answer she, but I try to asking myself what the harvest I get in my job?

Actually, this work and I think is a big difference, it should be said is totally different.

The work that I imagine is more freely, and the work is involve with my interest.

It may involve drawing, music, cooking or baking, but it will not involve with education above all with kid or with Tze Chi.

Then, I'm a Tze Chi kindergarten teacher......

Who know? Who know it is a big joke?

The thing I want I haven't get, but the thing I don't want, deliberately I have no choice to choose it?

So how can I always think that I may get some harvest in this work?

Ok......

My mum said the harvest I get in this work is happy, I'm become more happy now because of this work, because of the kid.

But actually, I have unhappy in sometime.

Have no buddy will tell their family I'm not happy because of this work, is you instigate me to do this work, is your choice make me unhappy!

So, I endure, endure my tear don't let it drop, I try to cheat myself I'm happy, and I must happy!

Because happy is better than unhappy, we still need to live.

Actually I still have sometime

Well, get bcak to topic.

A big harvest I get in this job maybe same like my mum say that is happy.

Because of the kid in kindergarden, their smile, their innocent, more importent is their naivete.

Because they haven't get in this social world, they is a piece of white paper, so beautiful ao white without sordid.

They are angel of mine.

But if you say that the big harvest I get in is happy, I deny.

I really happy, but I also have the time of unhappy.

So I think the harvest I get maybe is.......money!

Is money let me persist in continue don't abandon to this work.

Haha~

So......Money money! Get in my pocket!!!

Come come come~My money~~~~